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If I Punch a Wall

by Alan Getto

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1.
Jeff Buckley 05:13
I went skinny dipping at night all alone in the ocean, and all I could think was “Jeff Buckley.” I ran around in the sand. All I could stand was to keep from screamin’ out “Fuck you” to God. I felt like a man with the world in his hand, with his hand in the world whether he liked it or not. I grinned. I winced. I stared blank face into the clouds—an orange glow from the city lights. Bursts of pure joy emanated and faded to moments of pain, intermingled with self-doubt. I turned to look away and I saw the bruised ocean kiss the lips of the black and blue sky. I felt the bright light in my warm sand hands, the air on my wet, goose-bumped skin. I sprinted like mad back and forth as fast as I could, as naked as could be. I jumped in the water and splashed back out, more afraid of the dark than of sharks. But this fear was an elation, a limbic revelation that I was playing with death. Not a death wish, but as kids run around the maypole. I gathered all my things, put my clothes back on, walked to the car and I left. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be Jeff Buckley.
2.
I’d take it all back If I could I’d take it all back You know I would I’d take it all back To get you back They say “No regrets” is the way to be. But that never made sense, never seemed real to me. I’m not gonna lie, I wish I didn’t do some things. But I can tell you as well, I wish I did some things. Chorus I think what they mean is if you’ve got a dream, to go for it. but what if you don’t ever wake up from it? Don’t it seem, that peaceful dream, to be a tragedy? If then you fail to unveil your reality Chorus A Capella Chorus
3.
Now that you’re gone, every word I’ve ever heard makes sense— because they’re meaningless. I’m looking for a love worth living for, not a tragedy worth dying for. If that boy was just a friend, my heart might mend— but then again it might rend asunder. But trust me: I don’t need to wonder if I had made a blunder, ‘cause I can see it’s my hand on my head that holds us under. What’d you think? I was in a stink? I was tickled pink. I blink, drink, and think about what a mink wouldn’t do for your hair. It’s beautiful, you know. It’s nut brown, down round your breasts. Like a blood hound dog I gave you my best. But I’ll tell you this: I’m limited. No, no, not finite. Yes that’s the twilight. Where’s the sun? Who said love was good? Where’s the fun? I’m sorry if this sounds pedantic but that’s where I was when I was with you, baby— I was stuck in a child’s mind with no one to teach me out. And even though we both graduated, you’re the one who acts like a child who’s matriculated in to the kindergarten of life. And I do just wanna say one last thing: thank God we didn’t become husband and wife. ‘Cause no, no, that’s finite. Yes that’s the twilight. Where’s the sun? Who said love was good? Where’s the fun? No, no, not finite. And that’s the twilight. Where’s the sun? Who said love was good? There ain’t no fun.

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Life's gonna hurt sometimes.

Pic credit: Courtney Alfery

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released January 10, 2020

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Alan Getto Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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